I think I might have been a salmon in my past life

Maybe it’s the falling leaves, the hunkering down by the fire, or the extra layer of fat that is forming around my heart from comfort foods, but lately I have been feeling really tired.

Come to think of it, I probably have been tired since May 14, 1996. That is the day I had my first child.

Maybe in my previous life I was a salmon. You know, spent my life swimming like mad for a few years, and then headed upstream to lay my eggs. After that I would have said, “OK, that’s quite enough for me.” And died (or got eaten by a bear). Naw, probably not, but sometimes it does seem like something in the birthing process kicked in the sleep hormone.

When I had an icky depression, I was tired all of the time. But, I don’t think this is that. I have bursts of energy – and seem to be able to stay awake when I sit down if I’m on FB. Which, really is part of the reason I am on it a lot at night.

So, what’ the deal? Maybe I am bored. With two teen-age girls in the house, that doesn’t seem plausible. Maybe I am eating poorly. (That could be. Pumpkin bread has become an approved food group.) Maybe I am sleeping poorly at night? (Well, yeah, but who doesn’t at my age?) I know. Maybe I am not living my authentic life. Thank you, Martha Beck, for giving me words for that. But what is one to do about that? Just whittle away on it. It is not as if there is “1 authentic life” for each person. That would be like saying there is only 1 person you can marry and be satisfied and relatively happy. I don’t believe that either.

What I do believe is that we are given, through our gene pool, through nature and nurture, certain strengths and weaknesses and through them we make choices. Choices about who to spend our time with, how to invest our energy, and basically, how to “be” in the world.

One thing I really don’t believe is that I should nap my way through my life. Maybe it’s time for a change. A better focus. More music. More writing. Less FB.

That sounds good. I’ll give it a try and tell you how it goes. In the meantime, am I the only one who’s tired???

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3 Responses to I think I might have been a salmon in my past life

  1. Nice spur-of-the-moment reflection, Shanni. Turn a tired moment into reflection on life. Congratulations, you just lived authentically. What are you going to do next? (Memories of Nancy Kerrigan. Consequently she went to disneyland, rode with Micky mouse and got caught on mic saying, “This is so stupid! I hate this! It’s so corney!” Ha. I laugh about that every time). I confess to a lot of FB time lately, too. Grief therapy. So far it’s still an o.k. excuse. I’ll miss you on FB (whimper, whimper). You’ll be back! Again, nice write. Way to flex the verbal muscles. AND I like the picture of the mischevious looking teen girl.

  2. jaytrock says:

    I can’t get enough sleep these days. Am I getting ready for the long hibernation? Resting up from the push of so many years? Maybe the organism just needs more sleep, or gets cumulatively tired. Or maybe it is wanted somehow. From Rumi:

    “You that give new life to this planet,
    you that transcend logic, come. I am only
    an arrow. Fill your bow with me and let fly….

    “From wherever spring arrives to heal the gound,
    from wherever searching rises in a human being.

    “The looking itself is a trace
    of what we are looking for.

    “But we have been more like the man
    who sits on his donkey
    and asks the donkey where to go.

    “Be quiet now and wait.
    It may be that the ocean one,
    the one we desire so to move into and become,
    desires us out here land a little longer,
    going our sundry roads to the shore.”

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