In this week before Christmas I feel as if the world is sinking. Sinking to a worse self: falling out of line with the rhythms of hope that we need to survive and thrive. The earth itself seems forced to give up it’s life, whether by executive order or by those of us who are too self centered to respect our planet home. In the halls of power, in homes with unresolved traumas, in the villages and cities and protected lands of the world, in the spaces between the silence of relationship.
Aren’t I just miss Merry Sunshine? (Sorry mom.)
I don’t think I compartmentalize well. I have always had melancholy tendencies, been easily over-stimulated and empathic, and was raised a “nice white Christian girl” so anger doesn’t always come out well and I feel like I can fix anything while being unable to fix myself. Kinda a conundrum.
The past few years has been a blur. Perfect job ending, house buying, house renting, abandonment by former colleagues/friends, jobs that don’t work for me, poverty, cross country trips, fantastic friends who came to me at the end (really? way too late!), almost no music-making, divorce, moving into my girls’ childhood home, occasional bad relationship. The scales are tipped against my well being right now. I suppose I simply need to acknowledge that.
The next two weeks I work 2 (two) 5 hour shifts. Period. If one is salaried or has paid days off, that might be a huge gift. It isn’t for those of us working hourly with no backup partner. It’s just you, baby. Most have no idea what that is like, so please don’t pretend you understand. You really don’t.
While I was living in Kentucky, a crazy thing happened. The National Corvette Museum experienced a sinkhole. Folks went to work one day and everything was normal. Expensive collectors Corvettes sat firmly on the building floor, which sat on the earth (remember how firm that is?) Then this happened: Sinkhole
So this feels like my life. Who knew that could happen.
I don’t mean to whine except that I am where I am. Daily I move forward through the drear of Seattle winter. I remember the garbage dump families I have met, especially one man who was committed to gaining a skill that could support his family. I remember dirt floors and abuse and women survivors. I remember the company and laughter of my girls, awesome Seattle, old friends and new, my sisters (chosen and blood) – and the few men who have held my heart with respect and kindness.
Tonight I have a small housewarming. I discovered yesterday that my chimney needs repair so there will be no fire. But there will be awesome ginger beer. And laughter. And music. I hope if you cannot come, you will be there in spirit.
*Those of you who are in similar “sinkholes”, I know you do not need me to provide answers or advice or “honey, everything will work out.” Let’s just hold out a candle together tonight. I will hold a silent moment for you tonight at my gathering.